That's Not Fair!

The title is something I have heard quite a bit lately. I'm sure that anyone with more than one child has heard this many times. We try to be fair, I haven't broke out the scale for serving deserts yet, but I've been close a few times. It seems like lately if I ask any of my kids to do something I hear "That's not Fair! why doesn't stink bottom have to do that!" Or if I give one kid something, and not the other, I hear "That's not fair! I want an antibiotic too!" Like all good parents my response is usually something like "Life is not fair, deal with it."

It's gotten me to thinking, what would it take to make life fair. Rules and Laws try to make sure we have a level playing field, but that doesn't always make it fair. For instance I have full use of my legs, but some other guy may be forced to use a wheelchair. There is no way that he can walk, so for life to be fair I would have to lose my legs and use a wheelchair. What about someone that is mentally handicapped. We can't flip a switch and have their problems go away. To be fair we would all have to have our brains damaged until we were at the same level. There are countless other examples of life being unfair and how we would all have to loose or give up something to make it fair. When it comes down to it, I bet if you asked the guy in the wheelchair if he wanted everyone else crippled, to be fair to him, he would say that's ridiculous. Most people who have suffered with a problem wouldn't want everyone else to suffer through it, just to be fair.

The next time my kids say "That's not fair!" I'm going to say "life's not fair, learn to live with it". Then I will lecture for a while and prove to my child that there is a way to make life fair, but they wouldn't like it. At this point they will probably say "That's not fair" because they either didn't listen at all or just don't care. At that point I will say, mostly to myself, "you think it's unfair now, wait until you're a parent." I'll then bite my lip, walk away smile and say "life's not fair, and thank goodness for that."

Imaginary First Impressions

The other day I went to a meeting at work. It used to be that I knew nearly everyone at work. The company has grown lately and as I looked around I realized there were a lot of people there that I didn't recognize. There was a whole line along a wall that I didn't recognize. I started going down the line, I looked at the first person and thought "he looks like the kind of guy that thought he was popular in high school but really wasn't".

Then continued down the line, "she looks like she was beautiful at one time, but let herself go".

"He looks like the kind of guy that would be my friend, but only if he was selling Amway".

"She looks snotty and fake".

"She looks like a tramp".

"He looks like a book smart nerd that probably can't find his way home at night".

I got to the last person in the line and thought, "she looks like the kind of person that would judge people with out really knowing them, I hate people like that." Then I silently laughed, because I had pulled a joke on myself. I also taught my self a valuable lesson. You might think it is not to judge, but the lesson I learned was that if you use your imagination you can make a boring meeting a little less boring.

Eating Out, Will Power Success Story!

Due to a growing waistline, slowing metabolism and shrinking bank account I decided, with the help of my wife and doctor, that I would only eat out once a month. (Actually my doctor, who is disgustingly lean and fit, and who I secretly hope dies of a heart attack, suggested I not eat out at all). This was a tough resolution for me to keep, until I had an Epiphany. When I had already eaten out one month, but I really wanted to eat out again, I asked myself "what is the difference between eating out once a month; and eating out twice this month and not at all the next month". Of course the answer was "nothing", in the grand scheme of things it is the same. With careful book keeping I could keep my resolution and still eat out that day. Since I gained this insight, and the added flexibility that it brought, I haven't had a problem keeping my resolution. The funny thing is that I haven't noticed a change in my waistline, or my bank account. In fact my waistline is still growing and my bank account is shrinking faster if anything. I'm pretty sure that this is just an anomaly that will work itself out. I'm sure with a little patience, I will begin reaping the rewards of my new found self control. The only down side I can think of is that "technically" I can't go out to eat again until June of 2024, actually typing this post has made me a little hungry, make that July of 2024.

The Sweet Smell of......

Some time ago the place where I work took one of the men's rest rooms and turned it into a temporary women's rest room. Apparently the women's restroom needed to be remodeled and updated and enlarged. None of us men really cared because we still had three others to choose from. I work in an engineering firm where about one out of every twenty people are female. The building was built when it was a way lower ratio than that, I think they called them secretaries back then. When the new ladies room had its grand re-opening (I wasn't invited) the lost restroom was turned back over to the Men. Shortly after this announcement I decided I had to go to the bath room, sometimes I have to go for no other reason than I'm bored or I need to get up and walk away from my computer for a while. I approached the newly re-christened men's room with a slight tingle of excitement, thinking that the women had some how made it a better place then us men had left it, or at least a better smelling. I paused at the door and emptied my lungs in anticipation as I pushed the door open. I stepped in, inhaled deeply, and realized I had made a mortal mistake. The burning in my eyes and constriction of my wind pipe told me I was too late. Big Ed, or some other equally disgusting creature, had already been there. But just as the gag reflex was about to kick in I smelled something else. It was like big Ed had opened the bomber doors and dumped out his usual load of death, but then as an after thought had thrown out a few bouquets of flowers, some spices and just a hint of vanilla. My brain couldn't process it, part of my brain was yelling "Run before it's to late", but another part was saying "hold on, I might like this". I was frozen for a second while my brain fought it out and I began to think the combination of smells was almost... pleasant. And then my gag reflex kicked in and I beat a hasty retreat to the hall. By this time I really did have to go. I filled my lungs, in the hall this time. I finished my business in record time while debating if it was worse to breath through my nose and smell it or through my mouth and taste it, or if I could hold my breath the whole time without passing out. I guess there really isn't a moral to this story, except don't have high expectations when you go to the bathroom, and take a big breath before you go in.

Star Wars Collector Cards

The other day I realized that my membership card to our exclusive big box shopping club was missing. I had it the last time I visited there, so I figured I must have left it there. When I went back in and told a nice lady that I thought I left my card there she said "Oh, it would have been shredded if it was left here, I'll have to give you a new one". I thought it was strange that they would shred the cards rather than just give them back but oh well, That's their business. The lady had me look into a little camera on the computer and several minutes later she handed me my new card. I was surprised and delighted to see that the exclusive big box shopping club was promoting Star Wars. I don't know why they chose to promote a 30 year old film, but there on the back of my "collectible" card was a picture of Jabba the Hutt.
I was a little disappointed that I got Jabba, I mean Han Solo was always my favorite but I'm not a complainer (probably related to being a middle child) so I took it.  A lifetime of getting what I got, not what I want, has taught me to enjoy what I have. Wait a minute......That's not a picture of Jabba...that is.... ME. Well, it's the angle of the camera combined with a new haircut and bad lighting and; I can see why they shred the cards now, I wouldn't want to look at those pictures either.

The Unfinished Blog

I guess I know how you "don't finish a blog now"; you start one and never write in it again. My life is littered by unfinished projects, there are photo albums, movie projects, novels and now I will add blogging to the list. But since I just posted it is no longer unfinished. I can complete something, now I just need to convince my wife. It could be worse, I could be my wife. I am her biggest unfinished project and I don't think I will ever be done.

About The Middle

I chose the title "Somewhere in The Middle" because I am a middle aged, middle class, middle child (middle is one of those words that really sounds funny when you say it over and over). I'm going to try this for a while and see if it sticks or is one of the things I can add to my unfinished projects list, although I'm not really sure how you finish a blog. This is a test post I know I should have something profound to say on my first blog, but I don't. The end.